2:30am laying here trying to get it out of my mind that everyone would be better off without me and that I am more than just a huge problem and a huge burden.  I am not happy or comfortable in my own mind, my own body.  Why I have a blade in my hand is beyond me.  I have come so far without it, but moments like this makes me want to do it, just take away the pain on the inside, even if only for a minute or two.  I'm beginning to think that pain and hurt and worry are destined to be my lifelong companions.  I don't feel at home in this world.  Sometimes I feel it is better to keep my emotions and how I feel, to myself, and not bother anyone witth them and I'm not honest about my needs.  I have to figure out how to start opening up more, before I blow everything we have worked so hard for.